The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. 
Talk about Dyson with death. 

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. 
When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. 
I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £30!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. 
I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably, and looked very miserable. 
I thought to myself 'that guy's heading for a breakdown'. 

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning. Can you believe that? - 2:30am! 
Luckily for him I was still up playing my trumpet.

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador . 
"ugger that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. 
He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. 
I said you're obviously not listening.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. 
So I've been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.